


Three times James Barnes saved Natasha Romanoff

by A_Constant_Reminder



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Suicide Attempt, somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5950030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Constant_Reminder/pseuds/A_Constant_Reminder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha can't wash her hands of all the blood that stains them. She can't quieten the ghosts in her head. She knows the only way out is if she were dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three times James Barnes saved Natasha Romanoff

> _This feels right and I'm letting it and now I know just what to do_

Natasha Romanoff washed the blood off her hands and tried to count to 10. The tears in her eyes blurred her vision, causing her to see red everywhere she looked. In her whole life she had only ever cried three times. She could remember each time, how weak she felt. But that was a different life, a different Natasha that seemed so distant now.

Not even the distant calls of the people she had once called ‘friends’ could quieten the screams of the ghosts in her head. These hands had seen so much pain and loss and suffering in their long life; most of which was caused by her.

She had killed hundreds, destroyed thousands of lives and now she was running around pretending that each life saved is a penance for her earlier days. She went on for years believing that to be true. But she couldn’t run from it anymore.

A gentle knock on her door broke through her thoughts. 

“Natalia?” He whispered. She could picture him resting his forehead on the door, a tired look in his eyes. “Natalia, Моя любовь, let me in.”

She walked to the door, about to unlock it, but she changed her mind.

“I can’t, James.” She sunk to the ground in front of the door. “I can’t do it.”

She heard Clint gasp from the other side of the door. James barked orders for everyone to get out of the room. She listened as their footsteps disappeared slowly. All the years came crashing down on her all at once. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She could handle the ghosts that haunted her, never leaving her side. She knew that if she opened the door James would hold her in his arms and the noise would quieten down for a few hours. But she couldn’t live like that anymore.

“Наталья, Моя любовь, Позвольте мне в. Позвольте мне помочь вам.” He crooned softly, his voice barely hiding the desperation underneath it.

“No,” she answered him in English. Russian hurt too much. “You can’t save everyone all the time, James. You know that better than anyone.”

“Natalia,” James begged. “Natalia do you remember when you were young? When you were just a girl? The first time we met. Remember?”

Natasha shook her head. She didn’t want to remember.

“I saved you then.”

> _When I turn jet blackand you show off your light,I live to let you shine_

The young girl cried over her mother’s body. She had died hours ago, from exposure or consumption, he didn’t care enough to find out. He shouldn’t have stopped in the first place. A child crying was not a new occurrence to him. But something about this child struck him with the need to protect her.

“What are you doing, ребенка?” He asked.

The child looked up at him with impossibly green eyes but did not answer. He looked around, making sure there was no one around before kneeling down in front of her. He looked at the body of her mother. She would have been pretty back in her day, but now her body was swollen and puffy, her skin blue from the cold.

The Winter Soldier frowned. He should have been going on with his mission, not being distracted by this inconsequential child. But no matter what he told himself, he couldn’t leave this child alone to die next to the body of her mother. If the cold didn’t kill her then the demon nature of man would.

He stood up and held out his hand.

“Come with me.” He spoke softly. “She is dead now, there’s nothing you can do to help her.”

The child nodded, red curls fell out of her hood. The Winter Soldier was struck by their beauty. No one in Russia had red curls like that. He knew that when she grew up she would be a powerful force to be reckoned with. She stood up and took his hand, almost coming up to his shoulder, she was tall for her age.

He couldn’t save her, but she could give her to someone who could.

Probably.

> _And this is the world as I see it now turns out that nothing is fair_

“I took you to Ivan that night remember?” James said softly.

Natasha nodded and then remembered that he couldn’t see her.

“I remember.” She whispered.

Ivan took her to the Red Room where they tortured her and poked and pulled until she became the perfect weapon, until she became the Black Widow.

“Natalia, you saved me that night as well. You and your tears made me remember my humanity.” He sighed, she heard him slide down the door, she could almost imagine his arms around her. “Without you, Natalia, I wouldn’t be here today. You’ve saved so many people, so many more than you can ever imagine.”

“906.” Natasha said suddenly.

“What?”

“I’ve killed 906 people.” Her voice was small, strained. “And those are just the people who I killed face to face.”

“You kept count.” It didn’t sound like a question, she could hear the smile in his voice. “Of course you did. You were always too good not to.”

Natasha shook her head. “I wasn’t too good to let them live.”

“You were brainwashed, it wasn’t your fault.” He countered.

“I always knew what was going on.” She smiled sadly. “I was always aware of what I was doing. I could have stopped at any time.”

“You did stop.”

“Eventually, James. 906 people had to die before I stopped _eventually_.”

“Natalia, do you remember the Red Room?”

“Of course.”

“Do you remember the first time we fought?”

She paused for a minute. “Yes.”

“I was supposed to kill you.”

> _I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head_

His mission took him to a remote facility somewhere where no one could accidentally stumble upon it. Occasionally when someone did, they were disposed of quickly and quietly. He liked that. He was tasked with being a live punching bag for 28 young girls, one of whom would one day wear the title of ‘Black Widow’. A few of them would not survive this process because he was tasked with killing them.

The first one was easy, she did not stand out much amongst the noise in his head. He heard his name being thrown around by the other girls watching him. But one girl remained quiet, her head down, her eyes never meeting anyone else. He thought she was weak. The instructor called out her number, the Winter Soldier knew she was another that wouldn’t survive. He was glad, this country didn’t need weakness.

She walked gracefully, he tried to keep his eyes off her but found that he was drawn to every movement that she made. Each step she took was filled with purpose, planned carefully before she took it. Her face turned up, her eyes meeting his and he was struck by the familiarity of the impossible green.

His face stayed the impassive mask but his head burned with questions about this girl with green eyes. He didn’t know where he had seen her before, just that he had. A wall in his mind itched the more he thought about it.

The one thing he knew for certain was that he couldn’t kill her until his questions were answered.

The instructor called out the command, the girl got into position. The Winter Soldier still had a thousand questions running through his mind. He knew how to take her down but if he did that then he’d have to kill her. It was hard giving up a fight but that’s what he had to do. 

He let her win, pretending to be impressed and surprised when she did.

The instructor wrote something down and the Winter Soldier knew that he had helped her progress to the next level. He turned to look at her and stopped for a second. A red curl had escaped from her tightly pulled ponytail. He was overwhelmed with the desire to reach up and brush the curl from her eyes. But before he could she was gone and another girl took her place and he had to remember why he was here again.

After all the girls were done he wandered through the facility. He had the highest level of clearance so no room was locked to him. The first room he found her sitting alone and brushing her fingers through her curls. He watched the contrast between her pale, creamy skin and her fiery red hair, transfixed by the movement. He had never met a girl who could hold his attention so completely before.

“Who are you?” He asked, not realising it was aloud.

The girl jumped to her feet, her back straight.

“Number 25, sir.” She said quickly, her voice robot-like.

The Winter Soldier nodded, he knew that already. “What’s your name, child?”

The word caused her eyes to betray a little bit of emotion. But she quickly righted herself.

“Natalia, sir.”

He stepped closer to her. _Natalia_ , the name suited her.

“You let me win today.” It wasn’t a question, she was smarter than he thought.

His lips twitched into a smile. “You didn’t deserve to die.”

“But the other girls did?” She asked, her eyes meeting his.

He saw defiance and stubbornness but most of all he saw compassion, a trait that would get her killed. He questioned his decision to let her live.

“They were all weak, they would have died anyway.” He shrugged. Loss of life was not something he had a problem with at this point. “You have to learn not to care about others, just yourself. It’s easier that way.”

She nodded, it was something she had already figured out. Her posture relaxed and her hair fell on her face. He reached up and pushed it behind her ear. She flinched at the contact and he withdrew he hand, letting the hair fall back down. The girl was probably used to her instructors using her for her body. He should have known better.

> _You can leave me if you wish, my love, but I'm not going anywhere_

Natasha felt tears fall out of her eyes but she made no move to wipe them away. She had always had an inkling that she wasn’t supposed to survive the Red Room. Her instructors hated her, a skinny, little, red haired girl from nowhere. That fight had been one of her turning points. She had been determined to prove everyone wrong.

“Natalia?” James said quietly, his low voice probing her silence.

“I’m still here.” _Barely_.

She heard him sigh, his hand stroking the door. She heard Tony whisper something and James left for a second.

“Nat,” Steve’s voice replaced James’ and she was glad. She couldn’t take anymore trips down memory lane.

“Steve,” her voice broke. She wanted nothing more than to open the door and let her best friend hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. 

But it wasn’t.

“Nat, listen, we can help. We can fix this.” He said softly.

“No you can’t.”

“Tony can, he’s got this thing, this machine…”

She froze. She knew what Steve was going to say. Tony could make her forget. He could make her forget their faces and their sobs.

And their screams.

Natasha looked at her hands. They had caused so much destruction. Could it really be so simple? Would the ghosts in her head leave her alone if she just _forgot_?

No.

She couldn’t forget. She was the only one who could remember them. She had to remember.

But it was killing her.

“Steve, I can’t.” She sobbed. “I just need it to be over. But I can’t let Tony mess around with my head. Not anymore.”

Steve sighed. She heard him get up and leave. She could almost picture the look James and he shared as he walked away. She knew what James was trying to do. He was trying to show her that her friends still cared.

But how could they really care about her if they didn’t really know her?

“Natalia,” James’ voice floated through the door again. “We’re alone,” she could have sworn that she heard a smile in those words. “Let me in, Natalia. Please.”

She wanted to. Oh, god, how she wanted to. She wanted to sink into his arms and forget everything. But the blood stains her hands and she can never get them to be clean again. James deserved someone who was sweet and kind and didn’t carry the baggage that she did.

“Can you sing for me, James?” She asked, her eyes growing heavy.

She heard a chuckle. “You know I can’t sing.”

“I’d like it anyway.”

“Nat,” he whispered. “Natalia. Precious, sweet, Natalia. Do you remember that first night?”

Natasha smiled. “I do,”

“I’ve never seen someone so beautiful, I don’t think I ever will.”

“You’re just saying that to soften me up.”

“Of course,” he smiled.

“I’m so tired, James.”

“I know, baby.”

Her arms felt heavy now. And she could no longer feel her toes. It was relieving, the feeling of losing feeling.

“I’m so sorry,” she slurred. “I love you.”

“What? Natalia, that sounded like goodbye.”

“It is. For now.”

She heard him get up but she was somewhere else. The pain was gone and the ghosts were happy.

The door broke behind her.

Someone picked her up.

Her head fell into his chest as if it was made to be there.

She smiled.

It felt right to die in his arms.

> _You don't have to make any promises, love_

“How is she doing?”

“She’ll be okay. We just can’t…”

There were some words whispered. Natasha stirred in the uncomfortable hospital bed. She frowned. Why was she in the hospital?

“Hey, sleepy.” Steve’s voice appeared next to her. “It’s about time you woke up.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him. Her head was killing her and her mouth felt dryer than a desert.

“What happened?” She croaked.

“You took a pretty bad blow to the head.” His eyes looked sad but she ignored that. “We didn’t think you were going to make it.”

“Well that explains the headache.” She grumbled, trying to sit up in the bed.

“Woah, there, you’ve got to stay down.” He smiled. “Tony says you’re on bed rest.”

“When have I ever listened to that?” She arched at eyebrow and sat up anyway. “Besides, I feel like I’ve been in this bed for too long. How long was I out?”

“About three days.”

“Hmm,” she rubbed her head. “Definitely too long. Any longer and Clint might actually be able to beat me.”

Steve laughed. “He’s waiting outside, they all are.”

She smiled, it felt like the first real smile in a long time, but she brushed that off.

Everyone walked into her room, crowding around her bed and clamouring over each other to be the first one heard.

Someone stood back in the corner, not saying anything just watching as Natasha smiled and laughed with her unlikely group of friends.

> _All of the love we've left behind watching the flash backs intertwine. Memories I will never find_

Natasha was free to leave the hospital. As soon as she could, she found herself in the gym, mindlessly punching a bag. Her brain registered another person enter the room and stop behind her.

“What’s up?” She asked, expecting Wanda or someone to answer her.

“That’s my bag,” a low voice said.

She stopped and turned around. “Yeah? I don’t see your name on it.” She rested her hands on her hips and looked up at him.

“Really?” He smirked. “Because I thought it was obvious.”

He pointed to a name on the bag. 

“Since when do people have their own punching bags?” She turned back around to face him.

“Since they have special requirements for punching bags.”

He lifted his other arm up, the metal flashed under the lights. Natasha felt something pulling at her mind, but she ignored it.

“I’m James,” he smiled. “But everyone calls me Bucky.”

“Oh, I remember you.” Something flashed in his eyes. “You’re Steve’s old friend, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he looked sad for a moment before he regained his composure. “We go way back.”

Natasha smiled. “Well, I think James suits you better than ‘Bucky’.”

“Thank you, I always thought so too.”

“No problem,”

They stood their for a moment, not saying anything, just staring at the other person. Natasha felt like she knew him, but at the same time she didn’t. She chalked it up to Steve talking about him all the time.

“I should…” She swallowed, breaking the silence. “I should probably go.”

“You don’t have to.” He said quickly. “You can stay.”

She smiled. “No it’s fine, I’m a bit hungry anyway.”

“So am I, actually.” He winked. “I know this great Japanese place. Excellent dumplings. If you don’t mind that I tag along, of course.”

Nat shook her head. “Why would I mind?” She smiled. “I think it sounds like a great idea.”

“Great,” he looked happier than she had ever seen him. “What about we get changed and I come by your floor and pick you up?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Nat picked up her bags and started walking to the exit. She paused for a second and turned around to face him.

“Is this a date?” She asked.

“If you like,”

“Well, I’ll see you soon, James.”

“And you too, Natasha.”

She smiled and nodded. It took everything in her not to run to her floor. She didn’t know why she was so happy, but there was something about this man that she couldn’t quite place her finger on.

> _So I'll love whatever you become and forget the reckless things we've done. I think our lives have just begun_


End file.
